94 days of unemployment and the experiment born out of sheer boredom “30 days without alcohol”

Well, it’s been a while dare I say. As I look up and see those numbers, 94 days, I gulp. The numbers are terrifying, it doesn’t even feel like 94 days have passed. It only feels like I’ve just begun. And in a way that’s true, I’ve only just begun to change my life around, look for jobs which involve moving and I’ve actually put this on my resume now: “Is willing to relocate for work”. Wow, I never knew being desperate could sound so classy. But still, I’ve managed to scramble up some hope from the dusty corners of my soul, apparently I haven’t spring cleaned there in a while. And I also have managed to do this while being not drinking a drop of alcohol, or as I mentioned in my previous blog the elixir of life I call red wine. My 30 days of no alcohol have ended and I am allowed to drink once more. So how did it go?

To be honest, it was easier than expected. I was able to have good times at parties and festivals without drinking alcohol, and on the upside I went home earlier than I usually would’ve. That’s a positive, no more crazy late nights. To be honest, I don’t think staying out till 6 AM in the morning while being sober sounds good to anyone. (It sure doesn’t to me!)

The one thing I semi struggled with was: red wine. My relationship with red wine was more complicated, it was not based on going out and drinking at parties. No, red wine was something to enjoy, it was as comforting as a baby’s blanket and it soothed me after a horribe day. And even it paid off after a productive day, it’s like a pat on the back to myself: “You did a good job, have some red wine!’. And so, I craved it. I craved the pat on the back I gave myself, I craved the warm, comforting blanket soothing my nerves. I was three and a half weeks in, and I would’ve expected the cravings to subside, but no. I still missed red wine. At this point I expected the experiment was going to fail. I felt I barely learned a thing and the only thing I had learned was that red wine was an essential in life. I was even a bit disappointed by that, but at least I could reduce my alcohol intake to merely drinking red wine, and on occasions other drinks. It would still lead to a healthier lifestyle. I do not necessarily believe in depriving oneself of everything, the sweet little things we indulge ourselves in. It’s all about balance, don’t overdue it. So, it was rather unexpected when the next phase happened.

I stopped craving red wine. No really, I am not joking. Psychologists say that on average it takes about a month to form new habits (such as desensitizing red wine as a central component in my reward system and replacing it with tea for example). Now, since I was almost a month in and I still missed red wine I didn’t expect this to change. I was highly surprised what a few extra days could do. Who knew psychologists actually knew what they were talking about?  (wink wink). It took me about four weeks before I no longer associated red wine with a pat on the back and a nice snuggly, comfort blanket. While at the same time the association weakens, a new association is usually formed to replace the old one (although not entirely, the old one will still be in tact and if the new habit is sustained the new association eventually grows more accessible than the old one). Basically you are rewiring your brain: but it all depends on what do you do when you feel like you need that pat on the back? Or that comfort blanket on those rainy days?

I drank tea. Mostly because there was not much else to drink. I get fed up easily with drinking those fizzy soda drinks, and I don’t feel like drinking water all day long. I’d like something with a taste, even if it’s just to change it up a little. And even better: I became more so in tune with my emotions. Although I already considered this one of my strengths. However there were no distractions now, and I learned to tolerate my restlessness, my frustration and despair even more. Great practice, because no matter how much of an expert or novice you are at this, it still sucks. And it was hard denying something was bothering me there wasn’t anything to comfort me with, I’d already quit smoking, I am not really prone to comfort eating (and when I do I usually enjoy a healthy meal because that to me can be very yummy!). I don’t do drugs and as I mentioned I stopped drinking. No point in compulsively spending money because I am unemployed, I’d like not to be flat broke and I’ve never been a big spender. There weren’t really any bad habits to indulge in. I commited myself to exercising three times a week and when I felt down and hopeless I curiously with an open mind explored what triggered these feelings. More importantly, since there wasn’t really anything to comfort myself with (excluding the occasional support of loving friends, however not being dependent on them!) I turned to myself to provide the care and nurturance I craved. I became softer, and kinder and tried to encourage myself, diminish my negative self-talk, try to find encouraging words, find activities I enjoyed and were healthy.

While I initally didn’t think much changed, it happened on the cusp. All of a sudden, everything changed. I realised I stopped craving red wine. In the inbetween I had learned to care for myself even more compassionately. Looking back, it isn’t that I didn’t care for myself; however we all have those bad little habits we indulge in, they do not wreak havoc in our lives necessarily but we are slightly dependent on them. It isn’t a crime, and it isn’t the end of the world. I am surprised however how much could change by going for 30 days without alcohol.

Want to know something else? I decided to reward myself for not drinking for 30 days by yes ironically drinking alcohol. I tried some beer, it tasted rather bland, and slightly awful. I tried another different beer, one of my favorites… Nope, still wasn’t doing much for me. I tried red wine: the elixir of life, the one thing I craved the most for the greater deal of those 30 days: awry, disappointing, it was even worse than the beer. At some point I realised there was not much point in trying more and more alcohol. It all seemed to taste awful to me. Dare I say, I no longer like the taste of alchol. I don’t like to drink anymore. Well, that was a little unexpected, wasn’t it? To me it is.

You want to know something else? Today while I was doing the dishes- a hate activity for me- I found myself craving Jillz, an apple cider, the alcohol free version I had been drinking from time to time as something to treat myself with. Yeah, that’s right, I was craving alcohol free apple cider. I’m not sure how ironic and how ‘omg’ that is on way so many levels. But I’m not going to elaborate on that. My brain has just been electrocuted by the previously mentioned information: it has no algorithm for actually processing that.

And with that piece of disturbing information I am going to sign off. I desperately need to help myself to a good cup of tea. For fuck ‘s sake. No, I am not giving up on swearing.

Sincerely yours,

the unemployed psychologist